Insomnia and memories

As I sit here, holding my insomniac newborn, feeding her and praying that tonight she will sleep, my mind starts to wander. I am attempting to conjure up some song that would come close to being appropriate to sing to her to lull her off into dream land. Alas, it is not forthcoming. But, it does make me think of my dad. Growing up, Dad would lull me off into dream land many a night with his, and others', songs on the guitar. I would lie awake at night listening to him play "Amarillo By Morning", "Silver Wings", "Tequila Sunrise" and many more....so proud that my dad was such a fantastic musician, and even early on, feeling so inadequate and unworthy as his daughter.

I remember a certain family reunion in Los Alamos, New Mexico: we had a talent show and Dad was playing and singing in it and I was supposed to play some piano something. Dad played right before I did and he sang a song that he wrote when I was little about me. Needless to say, I couldn't stay in the room. It is a fantastic song, but to this day, I cannot listen to it because it makes me feel so unworthy to be his daughter...like such a bad daughter because I know I've disappointed him and Mom sooooo many times. To this day, especially now that I no longer live with them, listening to him play and sing makes me cry. I love it! I love listening to him...it's just...I don't know. Something about it.

Someday I hope to come up with a song to sing to my little girl to help her go to sleep. Mom sang "Country Roads" to me; maybe I should learn it. Until then, I'll hum whatever is in my head and remember...

Well, 8 days after the last post on here, the 28th of June, our baby girl made her appearance. She was 2.5 weeks early, but my doctor thought it was about time for her to come out. She was a beautiful, and big, 7lb 5 oz, 21.5in long. Unfortunately, or fortunately, she has lots of dark hair, just like her daddy. Everybody keeps asking if she'll end up with red hair like me...I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

It's weird having a new baby in the house. It's weird having another person in the house. Part of me really misses it being just us, but I know that having her here will be such a blessing. We just have to get through the rough, days and nights switched, no sleep period before I can fully appreciate her being that blessing.

On another note, it's really hard to keep house when you're not used to having to look after somebody else all day long. I baby sat when I was younger, but not a whole lot. I changed my first diaper the day we got home from the hospital. I'm figuring out that I'm not such the sound sleeper I thought I was. :)

Anyway, hope all is well in blog land. I'll leave you with this picture of us:

So it's been a while...yet again.

I am taking a summer class - Elementary Statistics - with my husband. We are actually enjoying it. He has to take it and I'm just doing it for an elective. I loved algebra in high school, and this stuff is so much algebra. It just comes naturally, which is really nice. All of my political science classes are very analytical, very thought-provoking. It's nice to take a class that I'm enjoying without having to think too hard to do well.

I'm also taking an English elective online. It's entitled Studies in Fiction. We are reading many books that I have never heard of, writing many papers, and just generally having to analyze a whole lot of stuff! It's kind of turning into a difficult class...unfortunately.

My dad, Panhandle Poet, has been writing a lot about music lately. Growing up, music was completely ingrained into me. I took piano lessons for umpteen years, always had a piano, always had music in general around me. Mom and Dad both are very musical, and my younger brother and I both, thankfully, inherited this lovely talent. Some of my most favorite memories are sitting at the piano with Dad behind me on the guitar, just singing and playing. We could do it for hours! It didn't even matter what...hymns from the hymn book, Eagles, George Strait, Steven Curtis Chapman, all different stuff. Sometimes, he'd just sit there and name off stuff for me to play while he listened. He and Mom were my biggest fans and playing for them was always fun. Now that I'm married and in a different town, playing the piano for them has become a challenge. I don't ever feel prepared or good enough anymore because I don't get to practice as often. It's a quandry I haven't quite figured out how to solve yet. Someday, I want to make a cd of me playing or playing/singing for them...it'd be a great tribute to all their hard work, sacrifice, and time spent on me and my piano-playing fingers. Someday...

Deepest apologies

My deepest apologies for being so lax in keeping this thing up. Life is crazy right now, and some things just don't seem to have priority.

I've been working on cleaning out our house. Granted, we just got married this past August, but I have been amazed at how much STUFF we have and have accumulated over these past months. We are both such pack-rats that it is ridiculous what we keep and what needs to be thrown out. With my sister-in-law coming to live with us in August and the baby coming in a month, it's time for things to get cleaned out, organized, and back to normal!

I am such an organized person, in most things, that this mess really has been driving me nuts since we got married, I just haven't ever found the time to fix it. I thought moving into these apartments would help. It did, just not enough. Our storage unit is full, closets are full, boxes under the bed are full...there's just no more room!

How do people do it when they've lived in a house for 30 years?

Marriage

It truly breaks my heart to see people struggling in their marriages. I have been so blessed with a great marriage. Arguments are few and far between and they are always resolved!

I don't, however, understand the need for some people to argue. It's like they get energy off of it. Then, running away is never the answer. Granted, a cooling-off period might be necessary, but never for more than a couple of hours.

I just want to help. I want to sit down with them and make them talk and work it out. I know it's not my place and that all I can really do is pray for them, it's just frustrating. Marriage should be enjoyable. Of course there will be arguments and of course it's hard work, but it is a union blessed by God and therefore should be a joyous occasion.

I guess I'm just rambling. I just wish I could help...

Doctors

"Dear hubby" went back to the burn unit today for a check-up. All looks good. They said the burn was so deep that normally they would do a skin graft, but since it was such a small wound, it wasn't really worth going through surgery for. But, as it is, they had to burn off these small bubbles of cells that were trying to push through from the bottom to start the skin growing back. They used silver nitrate, and he said he could feel it in the bottom of his foot. I can't imagine what it felt like...burning skin off again of a burn. But, he goes back again next week for another check-up. They said it could take up to 2 months to fully heal. Apparently burns are always the slowest to heal. I guess it's because of the severity of the wound.

I go back to the doctor this next week. I'm ready for another check-up. These false labor contractions are getting old, really quickly. I'm ready to know just exactly what to do and how to know if I'm really in labor or not. It's slightly scary being an hour from the hospital. But, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Friends

Growing up, we moved a lot. About every 3 years or so, Dad would change jobs and we would pack up and head off. I always said it bothered me, but looking back, it really did make me a stronger person. Granted, I have never had really close friends, but the friends I have have been good ones. My husband, on the other hand, lived in the same town, with the same people for 16 years. That is just insane to me. I think I inherited my dad's restless spirit when it comes to moving. We've been in our apartment since the 1st of February, but I'm beginning to get bored and wanting to try something new.

Moving has not hurt me, though. It has forced me to not get too comfortable in one place because it can all change in an instant. It has, I think, made me more appreciative of family and of the unique bond between family members. It has also made me much more appreciative of the friends I do have. Being married has been an interesting challenge for me. I now have a best friend whom I can talk to about anything and can share all of life's experiences with. But as far as "girl friends" go, it's been difficult. We are each other's best friends, and married friends or outside friends just don't seem quite as important. They are, no doubt about it, it's just a difference in priorities, I suppose. We got involved in this newlywed Bible study last semester and it has really been good for us. Apart from us growing stronger in our walk with Christ through the studies, we have made some fantastic friends. Unfortunately for us, they are all from Arizona and all plan to return after graduation. Last night, eating and watching basketball with them made me remember how fleeting happiness is, and how quickly things can change.

Growing up is hard. I sure do wish there were an easier way to learn these lessons...

Spurs v Suns

My husband has gotten really into the NBA playoffs that are happening right now. And, to me surprise, I have really started to enjoy them. I have always been put off by the NBA simply because my family has never enjoyed it. College basketball and high school basketball have always outweighed the NBA. I never knew why, just knew that's how it was. But, watching the Spurs and the Suns has gotten me intrigued. I think it just makes me miss playing and watching basketball on a regular basis. It was such a fun time for me, no matter how awful I was at it!

Watching game videos the week after, running and learning new plays, shooting threes and free throws...playing defense was always my favorite. There was something about guarding someone else and not letting them beat you that got my blood pumping. I was good at defense. The offensive side of the game always eluded me, but I loved getting in someone's face.

Let's just hope the Spurs pull it off. It's not looking good at the moment, but we still have another half to play before Game 6...

New arrivals and rainy days

Today has been an almost lazy day. The weather is perfect - overcast, thunder & lightening, showers...my kind of day. Rainy weather has always had the opposite effect on me as on most people. My favorite days are the ones where it's pouring outside and you can curl up on the couch with a good book or an old Audrey Hepburn movie and relax. It's a soothing kind of day.

After the craziness of the last few weeks, today was much needed. I did homework, made some bread, rearranged some furniture, and just kind of took it easy. Although, I am currently doing a couple of loads of laundry that are totally compiled of baby clothes and accessories. It is an odd feeling, seeing the dryer full of little onesies and pink/green sheets. A lady that works with my husband has been pushing me to go ahead and get a bag ready because her first one was 6 weeks early. That is a very scary thought for me. So, today, I decided I'll go ahead and get a bag ready...just in case.

Boy am I ready for the little miss to get here so I can quit all this worrying about when she's coming.

Not so good at this thing.

So, as you may have noticed, I'm not so good at writing on this thing everyday like I planned to. This is ridiculous.

Mother's Day was yesterday and we went to my parents'. It was nice to be able to get away from this apartment, see all of my dad's family, and just relax for a little while. Unfortunately, my husband was not feeling well at all. After his little high-line wire accident, his foot has begun bothering him as the nerves and tissue begin growing back, as well as his dislocated shoulder. That combined with the pain medication made him a ticking time bomb yesterday and he was just ready to be home, I think.

Moms are, obviously, very important. I cannot begin to describe how important my mother is to me. In the last couple of years, she and I have grown much closer. I think it's simply part of the maturing process. I can talk to her about anything and I am forever calling her with stupid questions that I can't seem to figure out on my own. She is becoming my best friend, which is what I always wanted. Granted, she's still my mom and will always have that commanding presence when it comes to the "mom stuff", but she's much more than that now and I don't know where I'd be without her. Well, there is a whole lot more that could be said about my mother, but I think we'll leave it at that. She's one of the most important people in the world to me, and I could never thank her enough for the example she's been over the years.

Thanks, Mom. I love you!

Complacency & being busy

Today I have determined to begin writing on this thing everyday. There have just been too many things going on recently to be faithful to this blog. I haven't even checked my others in several days....priorities have changed and life has gotten in the way.

My husband had quite an experience with a high-line wire this past weekend. And, since he was not released to go back to work until Monday, we have had a much-needed week off doing absolutely nothing. Next week, though, life will start back up again with house cleaning, laundry, cooking, homework, baby preparations, etc.

We had a sonogram this past Tuesday, May 8th, and our little girl was almost 4 lbs at 30 weeks. We figured that if I carry her full term, she will be about 9 lbs by the time she's born. That is more than a little scary, I have to admit. I'm just praying right now that she will be early. My pain tolerance is one of the lowest of anyone I know, and childbirth, no matter how wonderful I'm told it will be, is probably the most painful thing I will go through in my entire life. This is quite scary.

I've been thinking about being a mom a lot lately, obviously. I just do not feel prepared for it. I don't think anyone can ever be fully prepared to be a parent. But I just feel so very much ill-prepared. I am a very obsessive-compulsive, organized person, and this feeling of inadequacy and unpreparedness is scary and frustrating. It is such a huge responsibility: a whole life that is completely dependent upon you and your resources and wisdom. Granted, that's where a husband comes in handy...he can help, too, but there is just so much that we won't know until we actually experience it. Well, the unpreparedness and the knowledge of how little sleep I am fixing to get...that's what is scary. I don't function well on little sleep.

It is finished...with 2 hours to spare. Thank heavens! All 9 pages are typed, translated, proofread, and available for the slaughter.
Now I would like to post my thoughts on Rodriguez's book, but it's going to take a few days for my brain to kick out of "Spanish mode", so it may have to wait a while.

More billingual-ese

Well, my husband is off gallivanting this weekend, and I am stuck here at home doing homework. I have 20 pages worth of Spanish papers due on Monday and my brain is quite weary of thinking in Spanish. I got this rough draft back from my professor and almost cried because it was practically bleeding. Granted, he said I did a good job, it just looked absolutely horrible! There are so many little things, like accents and adjective agreement and direct object agreement, in Spanish that people take for granted in the English language.

Writing well in English has never been my forte. I thoroughly enjoy writing, my creative side was just never fully developed and so ideas and such do not come as easily to me as to some. Now, give me a research paper to write and I can have it taken out in a couple of hours with the proper research. But, ask me to write 8 pages about my thoughts on the book of Romans, in Spanish nonetheless, and my brain takes a vacation. It's not that I don't have any thoughts on Romans or lack the ability to critically think about the book, it's just that things don't flow nearly as well without quotes to back up my thoughts and make them feel legitimate.

For the other Spanish paper, I am writing about a very interesting book Hunger of Memory: The Education of Richard Rodriguez. I was expecting it to be another outlet for liberal garbage, but was actually quite impressed by this autobiography. He discusses how education allowed him to become more intelligent and "assimilate" (a word with a very negative connotation in Chicano Literature) into the American culture. Definitely worth a read for anyone with a long afternoon. But, for this paper, I simply outlined the book - from there, my mind drew blanks on what to write about, how to make it sound like I wanted, and get the message tumbling around in my brain onto paper. It is a very frustrating path to be placed upon, and one that is going to ruin me if I let it. But, I am determined, this afternoon and tomorrow, as well as all day yesterday, to not let it get the best of me. There are fantastic thoughts up there, critical thoughts about this book, I just have to figure out how to get them out and onto the paper so I can turn it in.

Spanish & English

As a Spanish minor, here at college, my brain becomes confused at times, trying to differentiate between these two languages, English and Spanish. For instance, for some reason in both of my Spanish classes today, my brain just could not function. I kept trying to translate every single Spanish word or phrase into the English equivalent, making it impossible to keep up with the discussion swirling around me.

You know, there was a time, back during my summer in Connecticut visiting the UN and other such fancy places, that I seriously considered becoming a translator. It seemed so glamorous, like such a great step into international politics. Now, as I become more and more entrenched in the Spanish language and culture, I realize just how difficult that life would be: constantly living in an ambiguous state, having to make your mind focus on the language at hand, constantly being stuck in the middle of noise. It is truly mind boggling to sit down and attempt to translate from one language to the other without your brain hurting.

But, think about all of the other countries in the world that require their students to know English as well as their native language! How behind we Americans are! It is sad and almost ridiculous that, at some point in our education, we are not required to learn another language to the point of being fluent. Now, this could definitely lead into a discussion about "minorities" in the United States and the growing problem we have with illegal immigration and the like, but let's stay focused upon the task at hand: being bilingual, or even better yet, a polyglot. There is a girl in my class, extremely bright and one of the nicest girls, that is from the Comoros Islands, off of the coast of Africa. She speaks and writes, fluently, English, Spanish, French (her native language), and German. She is currently learning Italian. She has a real gift for languages. Me, on the other hand...I struggle with having to speak English at an intelligent level most days. As for the Spanish side of my brain, speaking it is one of the most difficult tasks. Writing and thinking it has become no problem, but when I have to actually speak the words and ideas in my head, my tongue becomes twisted and tied in knots. I truly wish I could get past this hindrance - practice has not seemed to help. We'll just have to see what next semester brings.

First one...

Well, this is the first post on this new blog of mine. I still have not yet decided what I am going to write about in the coming days and weeks on here. I already have a couple of others that are just general blogs, but I really wanted this to be something special...something worth reading.
I guess we'll just have to see what the days bring to mind.